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You have forfeited the right to ask innocently about whether or not they’re planning on having children because you have repeatedly failed to do so politely, respectfully, and appropriately. I think my dad is forcing me to commit fraud: I moved out of my parents’ house almost two years ago and bought new car insurance at my new address that same month.
The worst possible outcome is one where you end up giving in despite your misgivings because your daughter-in-law tries to make your life miserable until you say yes, and then things go badly (as you know they will) because she wants both free child care and the right to micromanage the manner in which you provide it. “No, that doesn’t work for me.” “No, I’m not able to do that.” “No, I’m going to travel during my retirement.” You don’t need to provide justification or furnish arguments as to why you don’t want to become a full-time child care provider after you retire; you simply need to say “No” and let the chips fall where they may.
A: A great way to convince your children that you want them to be happy is to stop directly contributing to their unhappiness by repeatedly badgering them about their life choices and assuming you know what will make them happy better than they do.
Apologize to your son for pressing the issue, take his excuses at face value—what you consider “excuses” may be, to him, excellent reasons to delay or avoid having children altogether—and apologize to your daughter-in-law for presuming she should quit her job and have children simply because you would find it convenient, and then drop the subject entirely.
We’d love both or either but we haven’t been blessed, so we sort of started a game of pretend with a beloved stuffed animal.
It’s also perfectly reasonable to want to keep it relatively private, in much the same way that the voice I use to address my 14-year-old spaniel when we are alone in the house is not the same voice I use to answer a phone call or record the Dear Prudence podcast.